"You help me stay Catholic." "Your words make me feel like there's still room in the Catholic Church for me." "You make me feel seen in my struggle with the Church."
Ever since I started my podcast in 2020 and converted my social media account from a personal account to a public one to share about the interior integration journey, I have received messages like this from listeners and followers every now and then. While I have alluded to the fact that I have gone through deconstruction myself in recent years and have shared insights that have come from my experience of it, I have not yet - until now - shared about the more personal experiences of my 'deconstruction journey' for good reason. Here are some reasons why:
- When one is in the thick of what 'deconstruction' refers to, one's entire world is turned upside down and inside out. For so long the only thing I could be sure of was that I had no idea what God was doing and that it would be futile and foolish to try and understand what was happening to me. Every ounce of spiritual energy I had was channelled to learning to "be" and "be still" in the midst of this strange undoing and unraveling that I was going through.
- The changes that were happening in my embodied soul were such seismic shifts that it needed an entire new spiritual language and worldview to make sense of. And I have realised that even in deconstruction there are stages, and before I could develop this new language and worldview, I had to completely surrender the old language and worldview I had first without any guarantee that a new one would come. And even as I became more able to articulate what was happening to myself, I knew that the change was so revolutionary that it would be near impossible to explain it to those who have not experienced it themselves.
- I knew the Catholic world I live in. I saw how Catholics treated and wrote/ spoke of other Catholics who shared that they deconstructed their faith (e.g. Audrey Assad). Let me just say that those Catholic responses, comments, articles etc only served to confirm to me that I could not remain Catholic in the "same old way" as before - because their views of what it meant to be Catholic? That was exactly what God was undoing within me. The more I read "faithful Catholic takes" on deconstruction, the less safe I felt, and the more convinced I became that the God who was sustaining and loving me was different than what they represented. And I knew that until whatever was happening inside me takes root, until I have had time to be tested and experienced the spiritual fruits of this process, it would be extremely unwise of me to say more about my experiences.
For several years, the only people who really heard my ineloquent attempts to express what was going on in my soul were my husband, my spiritual director / confessor, my therapist and less than a handful of pilgrim companions whom I knew would not be scandalised, shaken or judgmental. But really, most of this process was undertaken alone, in solitude, through intense conversations (not always with words!) with God, through resources that God put in my path, and community that I found through books, social media etc of individuals who have experienced similar journeys and whose words and presence bear witness to the fruit of the Holy Spirit in their lives.
More than 3 years ago now I had said to my spiritual director that out of integrity and honesty, I HAD to leave the "container" that I have known my whole life which I called "Catholicism". And I knew that Christ was asking me to leave it without any guarantee that I would at the end of this process still "be Catholic" (whatever that meant!). I knew that I was being invited out into a deeper wilderness than I had ever had to enter before - that God would speak to my heart which was being stripped bare in the desert, and that I would have no idea what that new and deeper encounter with God would do to me.
I told my spiritual director that I could only say to Christ, "I no longer know how to be Catholic anymore in a way that is coherent with how you have been leading me. If it is your will that I remain in the Catholic Church, then you will have to show me a new way to be Catholic."
What I meant was that the Catholic faith - as I have known it - through all the apologetics I had read in my late teens and twenties, through all the dogmatic and doctrinal catechetical formation I had undergone in my thirties, and all the Catholic culture that I have known in my life, had become tasteless to me at best even as the contemplative and mystical dimension of faith had broken me open to God's love in profound and unrecognisable ways.
It felt like God's love had been increasing and increasing until it not only tore me open but also broke open the container I had for making meaning of my faith - that "old way" I had known of being Catholic had become too small, too rigid, too limited to hold who I was becoming. To keep growing I had to make this "trust fall" into God's love.
God took his time, and I learned to take all the time I needed without hurrying this process. I have finally passed the point in the journey where I felt a firm new 'solidity' in my heart, and I have given it more than another year to let that new solidity be tested and strengthened.
And now, as I stand at the threshold of turning 47 years old next month, and after more than a decade of traversing the different stages of spiritual midlife and trauma recovery in the interior integration journey, I am ready to share about my experience of deconstruction with you.
REMINDER:
What I share could either be of great help to you or it could harm you if you are not ready to digest it. Remember that my intended audience are those who are at spiritual midlife and/or are deconstructing because of trauma - especially spiritual and religious trauma. Even then, I pray that you develop and practice the art of embodied spiritual discernment: talk to God about what you hear/read from me, and seek out wise, trauma-informed and integrated spiritual guides to be your sounding board. (Yes, I know they're so hard to find, but God always provides one way or the other!)
My hope is that by sharing more openly and candidly about my experiences of deconstruction, that I will give those of you who are going through this difficult and painful process a sense of accompaniment and support. There will be well-intentioned naysayers and fearmongers aplenty around you. There may also be people "rooting" for your deconstruction who do not bring either Christ's light or wisdom to your journey. Very often, both of these extreme reactions are borne of unhealed trauma responses.
Please feel free to ignore both these extremes and seek those who witness the fruits of the Holy Spirit in their words and witness: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal 5:22-23). Please use the same criteria with which to discern what I write and create. Take what helps you, and set aside what does not.
In my first episode of 2026, I'm returning with greater clarity and readiness to share about a topic I've been living through: deconstruction.
In this episode, I'm opening up about my personal journey through deconstruction—not as an outside observer, but as someone who has walked (and is still walking) this difficult path.
What I Cover:
• Why lived experience matters when discussing deconstruction—and why resources from those who haven't gone through it often fall short
• The crucial connection between deconstruction and trauma that's often missing from conversations
• Why deconstruction is an embodied, multidimensional experience that can't be reduced to intellectual analysis alone
• The mystical dimension of deconstruction and what it means to leap into the abyss with no guarantees
• How deconstruction relates to spiritual midlife and the transition into the second half of life
• Why I had to be willing to let go of everything—even my identity as a "good Catholic"—to follow where Christ was leading
This is the beginning of a season exploring deconstruction from multiple angles. I'll be addressing questions listeners send me and diving into the many facets of this complex, painful, and ultimately transformative journey.
If you're going through deconstruction yourself, I hope this offers you some companionship and validation. If you're trying to understand what someone you love is experiencing, I hope this gives you insight into the depth and sacredness of this process.
Journeying with you,
Responses