I spoke briefly with a dear friend earlier before she went to attend Easter morning mass. She is a fellow spiritual and religious trauma survivor who only in the last year or two began to more fully realise she was one. She loves Christ deeply and she has been struggling for some years with how her body reacts to many aspects of the Catholic faith she loves. It has been disorienting, confusing, heartbreaking.
She looked wan when I saw her this morning, and in our brief chat I gathered that this year she has been particularly aware of how the liturgy of the Triduum excerbated her spiritual trauma. While there were parts of her that genuninely wanted to attend and be present, there were other parts which clearly were fighting to get away to safety.
This invisible interior battle my friend experienced is one that many religious and spiritual trauma survivors know. As I have learned in my own journey, there is no "right" vs "wrong" way to survive this battle. Internal Family Systems (IFS) work has helped me a great deal to empathise with all the parts within myself (and in other trauma survivors) that are fighting to be heard. Just to give an example of a few conflicting voices in my own Internal Family System:
- I have an old "Catholic Standard Bearer" manager / protector part that used to be the loudest voice in my internal family. She always chides, "This is about God, not you, Ann. Give glory to God! You know that if you do the right thing and go to mass and attend the liturgy that you will feel better afterwards. God will bless you for it!"
- I also have a newer "Trauma-recovery coach" manager / protector part that goes, "Ann, you know that the right thing to do is to not retraumatise yourself or listen to that obnoxious Catholic Standard Bearer who is an echo of the spiritually abusive voices in your life! If you really have agency and freedom you should be able to NOT go to church and give yourself safety so that you can heal!"
(Actually as you can probably tell, both of the above manager parts have the same bossy inner-critic quality to them - they are both coming from a place of protection. Both parts are trying to help me by getting me to "do the right thing" or to avoid making a mistake. Neither comes from the security of my grounded, regulated Core Self.) - Meanwhile I have one exile / wounded inner child part curling into a fetal position and whimpering in guilt and shame and another exile / wounded inner child part frozen in fear at the two different sets of instructions from the manager parts
- And when the tension and anxiety gets too much, a firefighter protector part makes me grab my phone and start doom scrolling or watching youtube videos to distract me and procrastinate having to make any decision
Here's what happens when my Core Self - the wise and grounded Inner Parent of my Internal Family System enters the chaos of my warring and wounded younger parts:
"Listen up everyone - I know everyone is feeling overwhelmed right now, you will ALL have a chance to let your concern be heard, OK? You are ALL loved. You are ALL forgiven and will continue to be forgiven even if bad decisions are made. We're still in the process of figuring things out together - but what's important is that we are in this together and NONE of you will be left behind, OK?
We will figure it out - there is no hurry. We have all the time in the world to make this journey because the Eternal One holds all of us in infinite love and mercy and is WITH US no matter what we do (or don't do)."
Right there - in the words of my Core Self - is what Easter means for me as a complex spiritual and religious trauma survivor. Every part of me will not be abandoned. Assurance that every bad decision and mistake will be forgiven as we try and figure things out together. Assurance that none of my parts will be hurried by me (the Core Self) or God, but that they can take all the time they need. Why? Because the Eternal One who has defeated death in every sense holds us in infinite love and mercy.
So if there are times my Catholic Standard Bearer part wins and I push myself into religious practice that later triggers me and retraumatises me and I fall sick? That's ok because I now have a better sense of my limits - I will remember this the next time this manager part harps at me to return to some kind of religious practice that my body is alerting me does not feel safe.
And if there are times my Trauma Recovery Coach manager part shames me for not knowing better by now and not prioritsing safety for my nervous system? That's ok, I remind her that mistakes are an important part of the healing process and that wisdom is gained often through learning from the pain of those mistakes.
I have learned to show the greatest preferential option for my exile parts - for they are the poorest in my Internal Family System. The one burdened with religious guilt and shame. The one frozen with fear of making a wrong move that would lead to abandonment. They are the parts that Christ loves with the greatest tenderness - they are the parts that need time to experience just how different God actually is from what religious trauma has taught them about God.
Resource: A book I have personally found very helpful regarding Internal Family Systems is "Altogether You: Experiencing personal and spiritual transformation with Internal Family Systems therapy" by Jenna Riemersma.
A great part of my deconstruction journey in the past year has been realising that what I am deconstructing is what Justo Gonzalez calls Type A Theology in his book "Christian Thought Revisted: Three Types of Theology". Type A Theology, represented by Tertullian in his analysis, defines 'sin' as moral debt / crime in a juridical framework. Salvation and redemption is interpreted as Jesus Christ settling this moral debt for us (e.g. Anselm's 'Satisfaction' atonement theory). Type A Theology is the dominant theology that has shaped Latin-West Roman Catholic (and Protestant) theology and practice in the 2,000 year history of Christianity, but it is not the ONLY theological type that exists in the larger Church.
There is Type B Theology represented by Origen in Gonzalez' book that emphasises illumination and enlightenment of the soul and sees sin as a loss of that illumination from God. There is Type C Theology represented by Irenaeus of Lyon which sees sin not as moral debt but as disease, corruption and death - and which understands salvation and redemption primarily as healing, becoming whole, becoming fully human and becoming divine in and through Christ (theosis).
Resource: Christian Thought Revisited: Three Types of Theology by Justo L. Gonzalez
(For those interested, I have an entire Instagram profile highlight saved with exerpts and reflections about these three types of theology on my Instagram account. You can view it HERE.)
Growing up Roman Catholic, I have imbibed Type A theology and been shaped by it. I have since come to realise that the religious and spiritual trauma I have is also primarily from Type A theology. And even though I have found intellectual healing and hope in learning more about Type C theology, my nervous system is still imprinted with Type A theology. I will still need more time and healing for a more liberating and healing theology to become embodied within me, especially when it comes to "counteracting" liturgy and religious practices that are shaped primarily by Type A theology.
Easter hope for me is becoming more able to own the truth that God is at every moment healing me and that God has at his disposal the entire cosmos and MORE with which to heal me. He is not confined by the sacraments or my ability to be in specific kinds of contact with the institutional church.
Easter hope for this spiritually traumatised survivor is that God is really, truly better than the "God" my nervous system has experienced in the spiritually abusive and traumatic systems I have known as a Roman Catholic.
Easter hope for me is also that there could still be a way for me to discover a way of being Catholic that reflects the nature of Christ with integrity, and which truly honours the dignity of each human person without any spiritual coercion and manipulation.
I have purposely NOT claimed how I understand Easter hope for ALL spiritual trauma survivors because every survivor's experience and journey is unique and worthy of being held with the greatest respect. I know that there are many spiritual trauma survivors who still wish to somehow meaningfully engage with the liturgical season because their Catholic / Christian faith is precious to them even though they cannot draw close without being harmed.
Remember that it is ok to experiment, that there is no right vs wrong way of making this journey, and that where you are is holy. The reality of the Paschal Mystery is that we are actually at all times immersed in the full spectrum of what is celebrated in the Triduum. There is no need to force ourselves to feel or act a certain way just because liturgically we are now in Easter. Now THAT is also part of what I embody as Easter Hope!
Journeying with you,
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