"Thanks, Ann, for articulating the 'inarticulatable'!" - A message from a friend about this week's Becoming Me episode
I never know why some of my podcast episodes / videos do so much better than others. My guess is that some episodes strike a particularly resonant chord with more people and get more widely shared. Take for example the episode I published this week, "Why It's So Hard to Explain Deconstruction". It's the best performing episode (within the first six days of publishing) that I have had in a while, and I have no idea why!
It had been a particularly challenging episode for me to record because even now, I struggle at times to figure out how to explain the experience of going through deconstruction and the seismic shifts in perspective it brings about. I struggle to articulate my thoughts about it because I am painfully aware that those who have not gone through this part of the interior journey themselves often lack the cognitive, affective and even ontological framework with which to place what is being described to them, and I try my best to communicate with that gap in mind.
There were some long, looong pauses that I had to edit out in this episode where I had ummmed, sighed, and restarted my sentences. But when I did manage to find my words, I was pleasantly surprised at how much relish I felt in finally being able to give verbal form to so much of what I had felt but not expressed in the last few years.
I hope that the warm reception to this episode means that I have helped more fellow sojourners name not only their experience of deconstruction but the frustration that they too had felt in being unable to provide "good answers" to those who have asked them about what they were going through or to the many critiques on deconstruction that they may have come across online.
In this episode, I dive into one of the most challenging aspects of deconstruction: trying to explain it to others who haven't experienced it themselves.
I respond to a thoughtful question from a follower about how to remain committed to the church while being honest about its limitations during deconstruction. But as I share, this question itself reveals the gap between those observing deconstruction from the outside and those living through it.
What I explore in this episode:
- Why deconstruction can't be fully understood from an intellectual or conceptual level alone
- How trauma plays a central role in the deconstruction process
- Why it's impossible to "hold onto the good" while deconstructing—and why that's okay
- The difference between critiquing the church and actually deconstructing your faith
- Why deconstruction feels like drowning, like having your entire container of faith fall apart
- How my own journey with family trauma mirrors my faith deconstruction
Deconstruction is disorganised, chaotic, and impossible to neatly explain, even to ourselves. If you're going through this process, I hope you feel seen. If you're trying to understand someone who is, I hope this gives you compassion for how difficult it is to put into words.
And if you also found yourself sharing this episode with more people than usual, I would love to know what made this episode special to you! Feel free to comment on the episode in Spotify or YouTube, drop me a DM on Instagram (IG handle @animann) or reply this email.
Journeying with you,
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